As I progressed into an older age and as the years of the school were coming to an end things become in many ways more complicated and difficult. There was an impelling expectation from everyone and everywhere to decide “what was I going to do for the rest of my life.”
The general message was that I had to think about my future, about getting an education, a position so to be able to “earn a living” and “become somebody.”
It was expected by the teenagers to rapidly choose what to do in life. To the system becoming eighteen meant that “now you are an adult” and “you need to become responsible.”
It was obvious to me that the idea of being “adult and responsible” was associated with the demand to adjust to the programming and obey the system by letting go of my true spirit, becoming a puppet who would follow blindly the rightness and wrongness of society for the rest of his life.
I was barely 18 at that point and certainly was not ready to make such silly and nonsensical decisions.
Besides the environment I lived in until then completely failed in its ability to clearly provide the necessary foundation for such decision to be made. Quite the opposite. It created a platform of confusing data that made things even more difficult and clearly attempted to pull me away from my inner core.
All the experiences and information collected until then from the outside world were about separation, scarcity, survival and sacrifice.
In the so called “educational system” nobody would teach about the true meaning of love, integrity, responsibility, discernment, creativity, life, self value, healthcare, care for others, making the difference, God, being ourselves, nature, etc…
No one would support the natural tendencies and the inner special and unique gifts that each child in the school room was carrying inside.
How possibly could they?
They had no clue about these topics themselves.
Without this kind of information and experience, how could anyone expect a youngster to make decisions about his her life? Based on what? On the memorization of the triangle of Pythagoras’s formula?
In addition, those adults and institutions who were supporting such ideas (basically the entire world) did not seem to me particularly aware or happy in their lives, quite the opposite. Neither did they seem particularly bright and intelligent (note: my definition of INTELLIGENCE is the ability to discern what is real from what is an illusion).
The so called “power of example” was not clearly expressed by the adult world.
When I looked at the options laid out by the University I could not find any faculty that would resonate with my inner core.
The only options were to engage with structures like Music or Artistic schools. However the heavy and fearful experience I had with school in my past was creating chills of fear and disgust just thinking about going back to school.
And at that time I did not have enough wisdom and awareness or outside support to heal such blockages and contractions about the idea of “School.” Therefore I was completely on my own, having to make decisions much bigger then myself about Life.
I made an attempt and enrolled myself in POLITICAL SCIENCE and followed some of the courses for a short while. I then experienced in full what I already felt in my heart, there was no way I could spend the next five years studying (memorizing) all those boring and meaningless books and data which to me did not have any vibrant experiential value.
Once again my spiritual/emotional immune system was working quite powerfully and did not allow me to do what most of the other teenagers did; become conventional ordinary beings and blindly follow whatever the so called cultural and structural truths were being imposed. I had to be in integrity with my heart. But then what my heart was asking was something at that time I did not know clearly. I had to sort it out from all the confusing data I accumulated from the outside up until that point in my life.
Therefore I started a journey of research.
A journey that I am still going through to the present day. In fact I now know it is a journey that is not destine to ever end, and I love such a fact.
I started to look for possibilities.