My interaction with school was not a joyful one.
Every September, at the beginning of the courses, I would genuinely look forward to it with the excitement to meet old and new classmates and share ideas and creativity.
But then after just a few days I would inevitably realize how dysfunctional and unnatural the entire process was. The days in school were not stimulating at all, filled with useless informational data which was taught in a fear based module and not supporting any of my natural predispositions and tendencies (nor for any other child in the class) but actually pushing me to the opposite direction into a flat and passive accumulation of data system.
This I believe was the experience for all the children around me. However it seems that most of them would rapidly line up with the programming, adapt to the curriculum and fall prey to the fear based teachings promoting separation.
For me, it was impossible to reach such state of disconnection and forgetfulness. I simply could not apply the information of a program that was attempting to make everybody the same with no consideration at all for the natural gifts and tendencies of each child present in the classroom.
Inevitably I began to appear as a strange boy, undisciplined, with his mind in the clouds, incapable of focus, introverted and with a strange vibe and look in his eyes that would often embarrass the collective. My grades in school were very low and often I had to repeat grades.
The severe approach of the teachers’ interrogations and their punishment through bad grades, the feeling of being not good enough in front of family, friends and institutions, and my worrisome mother upset by her first child failing at school, negatively effected my overall experience as a child and an adolescent.
However in the instant in which I would listen to or play music, this scenario would instantly transform. It would become filled with love and compassion. The melodies, that would come through while playing a few notes on whatever instrument I had access to at that moment, would instantly transform the fears and sorrows into a sublime state of love and oneness. In my imaginative world the faces of the teachers, classmates, parents, friends, would all light up with unconditional love.
I would see them all hugging each other, with a deep smile, being playful. I would often slowly fall asleep at night with such images and tears of loving feelings would fill my eyes.
I repeatedly experienced this over and over again from my very first day of school when I was 4 years old, all the way through my last day of school when I was about 18.
Inn my earliest interaction with music, between 3 and 5 years old I attempted to share the world that would unfold within my heart when I was playing the musical notes. Later I stopped doing so as I realized that no one seemed to be able to connect with such energy field.
Music then simply became my way of staying connected with my imaginative world and with the feeling that we all are love, that we are all one, which somehow helped me to remain connected and to cope with the harshness of the experiences I was having in my physicality.
Only much later in my late twenties and early thirties I started to feel an inner pull and desire to expose and share the energy field that was created in my interaction with music.
In those first 20 something years of my life I kept creating melody after melody. At first I would hold them within my heart by memorizing them. But then it became more and more difficult to do so. It was because the process of creating music was very fast and completed usually in a few seconds. And since my mind was not involved in it, as soon as the melody was birthed it would go back to the unseen world without leaving any trace in my memory. Therefore soon I learned to always have a tape recorder next to me while “disappearing” into the music.
As a result of such habits, by the time I reached my 20’s I ended up having hundreds of tapes everywhere in my room, filled with original melodies.